NONSENSE

Inventions

Wrinkle-Free Horse Pants

These incredible, revolutionary, wrinkle-free Horse Pants allow your horse to graze and shit in style! Now he can finally have a small slice of the American Dream!

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Executive Decision Maker

Do you run a Fortune 500 company? Are you tired of making vital decisions every single day? Let David Lee Roth help you out…the only way he knows how.

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Disabled Canine Mobility Assistant

Sick of that old dog sitting in the corner gathering dust? Now you can finally turn your useless, two legged mut into a useless, two-legged mut with a wheel attached to him!

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Singing Christopher Walken Head

Gently frighten your children to sleep and put an end to their constant whining and bitching forever with the shrill, unholy singing of the disembodied Christopher Walken Head!

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Miniature Shit-Spewing Horse

This tiny lie-detecting, shit-spewing horse sits on your girlfriend’s scalp and monitors her brainwaves. When it detects a lie, it douses her face with molten streams of shit!

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No-Stick Glue

No-Stick Glue just doesn’t give a shit. It takes a shot of Wild Turkey and wags its dick in the face of the “laws of reason” that hold the entire universe together!

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Sri Chinmoy Puffs

At long last, science steps up to the plate and delivers a healthy breakfast cereal that will give you the extra spiritual strength you need to defeat those evil sonofabitch robots!

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Commie-Zapper 3000

They’re everywhere, and they’re coming for you! Protect yourself and your family by baiting those evil commie bastards with their all-time favorite meal…fresh baby!

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The D.U.F.U.S

If you’ve still got those one or two friends who keep hanging in there with you no matter what…now’s your chance to finally scare them away for good!

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Kama Sutra For Dummies

Reverse Missionary

Worried about going to Hell? Of course you are, dummy. That’s why you should try the one and only position for dummies that isn’t explicitly condemned by the Catholic Church!

Learn how to do it!

The Bowing Crane

Now you can get your rocks off and erase horrible childhood memories in the blink of an eye! Don’t forget to rub some Robitussen on your head when you’re done.

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Romancing The Funbags

Are you a confused dummy struggling to find your identity? Are you a bored couple looking for something new? It’s time for some hot girl-on-girl tit-punching action.

Learn how to do it!

The Interrogation

A brutal technique for incredibly stupid dummies looking to get some information out of their significant other. Make sure you’ve got your scapegoats lined up before you try this one.

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Reflections On Water

Stop wondering about what your partner is feeling. Now you can both achieve mutual, simultaneous satisfaction…or cracked skulls, whichever comes first.

Learn how to do it!

The Battering Ram

Get your feet wet with this simple introductory manuever for the inexperienced or completely brain-dead. Oh yeah, don’t forget to take your hat off first.

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Comics

Writings

How To Fashion The Greatest Cane

You’ve seen some pretty good canes in your day, but there can only be one “Greatest Cane That The World Will Ever Know!” Here’s how to make it.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

Is Your Best Friend Tony Danza?

You’ve noticed that your best friend smells really bad, has a severe speech impediment, plays with dolls, and molests squirrels…but is it really him? There’s only one way to find out.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

An Instructional Guide To Abstinence

Whether you’ve sworn an oath, or you can’t get laid, or you’re secretly gay, maintaining your celibate state can be very hard these days. Here’s some tips to help you along the way.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Kill A Bear With Your Feet

That grizzly has you in his sights, and the only weapons you have at your disposal…are your feet. If you think you have what it takes, I’ll show you how to do it.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

Stuff I Wanna See On TV

52 million channels and not a goddamn thing to watch! I’ve had it up to here with this shit! (I’m holding my hand right under my chin, but you can’t see that, so I thought I’d let you know)

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Restore America’s Honor

Ike Turner knows a thing or two about making ammends for years of abuse and disgrace, and he’s here to share his wisdom. America, please listen to him.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Survive The Grocery Store

I know it may seem virtually impossible. But trust me. With this helpful instructional guide, you’ll be able to make it out of there alive and in one or two pieces.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…